Author Topic: Promise - Short Story  (Read 1740 times)

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Sarkilas

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Promise - Short Story
« on: November 07, 2008, 08:08:13 PM »
Okay, so I have been depressed lately. The reason will not be revealed here, so please, do not ask.
Anyway, so I decided to write something based on the feelings I had. Here's the result. A one-page short story. I have no idea whether it's good or not, but I thought I'd post it either way.

This is much more readable in Word. Stupid non-indenting D: Hope you will read it either way.

Promise
Promise
What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I looked down at the picture in my hand. Wondrous. She was the most beautiful. I can’t do it. I just can’t. There was a short pause. I could feel my heart rate rapidly rising. What choice do I have? What could I possibly do? I looked back down. This was it. I had to make a decision. I closed my eyes slowly and thought of her. Her beautiful smile, deep blue eyes and her charming voice murmuring in my ear. No, I can’t do this, can I? I opened my eyes, and determined as I now was, I put the picture in my desk and ran for the door. I put on my coat and opened the door. This was it. I was finally doing it. Whether the result would be in my favor or not I did not think about. I could feel my heart pounding faster and faster, as if it was ready to knock me down. I could feel some sort of happiness rising within me. I smiled. For the first time in a long time, I actually smiled. I quickened my pace until I was running at full speed. The wind was blowing against my face as I ran down the hill towards her house. I was released from my prison; the bars that kept me from reaching the diamond on the table. What a relief; what a magnificent feeling.
As soon as I got to her door, even without catching my breath, I immediately pushed the doorbell. I was dying to see her beautiful face. That which was only a fraction of a second, felt like hours as I waited for her to open. The door opened. There she was.
“Mel,” I said while breathing heavily, “I have something to tell you.” She was surprised; surprised to see me I bet. “I love you. I love you so much my heart is close to being ripped out.” She was silent. She said nothing, but her face expression seemed somehow like a mix between happiness and sadness. “I just wanted you to know that.”
“I’m…” she stuttered, “I’m moving away next week.”
“It’s okay.” I replied and smiled. “I didn’t think you would love me back either way.”
She looked down. I could not tell what she was thinking or feeling. But then, she began crying. This was the first time I had seen her cry. By seeing it, I almost cried myself.
She looked up at me: “But I do love you! You’re the first I’ve actually loved this much.” I stood there as a beaten scarecrow. What did she just say? She loves me? I was so shocked that I did not have words. She ran up to me and wrapped her hands around me. “I want to be with you. I don’t want to move.” She was still crying. I placed my hands around her and hugged her tight.
“We’ll think of something,” I said silently, “we can always visit each other.” I felt a tear emerging from the corner of my eye. I was happy.
“Promise me,” she said, “that you’ll never let me go.”
“I promise.”

Opinions are very welcome. Please, if you find minor English mistakes or a better way to write something in it, please let me know. I want to improve.

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Ruzu

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Re: Promise - Short Story
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2008, 08:12:51 PM »
This...This truly has made me cry inside its beautiful :(.

Sarkilas

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Re: Promise - Short Story
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2008, 06:21:10 AM »
This...This truly has made me cry inside its beautiful :(.
o.O Uhh, thanks man. It was written in 5 minutes, how can it be beautiful?! omg :p

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Ruzu

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Re: Promise - Short Story
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2008, 06:53:45 PM »
It just is don't question me D:

soranokira

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Re: Promise - Short Story
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2008, 03:23:54 AM »
5mins-of-fame!
It's good btw.

and for the errors:
Quote
She was the most beautiful
'she was the most beautiful person I've ever seen' would make a more complete sentence.
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I could feel my heart rate rapidly rising
technically speaking, there's no such thing as heart rate. It's 'I could feel my heart beat faster'
Quote
Her beautiful smile, deep blue eyes and her charming voice murmuring in my ear
you might wanna split this part up, cos it sounds as though you're hearing her beautiful smile and deep blue eyes as well, which ain't possible.
maybe something like: 'The warmth of her beautiful smile and deep blue eyes embraced me, and I could hear her charming voice ringing in my ear'
murmuring doesn't feel so right here.
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eyes, and determined as I now was,
it should be 'eyes and, filled with the determination to voice out my thoughts, I put the picture...' or maybe 'eyes and, determined to do something about it, I...'
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I was finally doing it
you haven't started doing it, so it should be 'I was finally going to do it'
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Whether the result would be in my favor or not I did not think about
weird-sounding, maybe 'I did not think about whether the outcome will be favorable or not', but it still sounds a little weird in the situation.
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For the first time in a long time
'For the first time in a long while' you mean?
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As soon as I got to her door, even without catching my breath, I immediately pushed the doorbell
'without even catching my breath' and btw, I think you ring the doorbell rather than push it(I know what you mean, but you push the button not the doorbell)
Quote
That which was only a fraction of a second, felt like hours as I waited for her to open. The door opened. There she was.
you waited for her to open the door. don't leave the sentence hanging without saying to open what.
and I can't really correct the sentences, but this portion seems a little repetitive. maybe ask abi =3

ok the others seem to be relatively proper-sounding enough.
The wind will cease to be one day, and as I pass, what marks remain?
Graduation is not the end, we'll still be friends from here on out

Sarkilas

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Re: Promise - Short Story
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2008, 03:57:29 AM »
Thanks for the input, soranokira! I appreciate it.
I really don't have much to say about it; I wrote this really fast, and I'm not the best in English anyway.
It helps a lot to get some proper input :) Thank you.

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soranokira

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Re: Promise - Short Story
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2008, 04:18:28 AM »
Np, but I guess English is similar to many other languages in the sense that practice makes perfect.
When you grow up getting English or any other language hammered into you, it's kinda hard not to be used to it right?
The wind will cease to be one day, and as I pass, what marks remain?
Graduation is not the end, we'll still be friends from here on out