Author Topic: Some writing ^U^  (Read 3506 times)

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Elke

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Some writing ^U^
« on: December 19, 2014, 05:24:33 PM »
 :seraismile: Hey Freebirdia! I, uh, wrote a story and I was wondering if anyone could help read/give constructive criticism about it. It's kind of long (and its sort of a romance so heads up)... It's too long to post on here so I'll put up a link to it. Hope you enjoy it!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/19p66BC4Rc2Pdjyls_rCvYAfo1xYkZiC-sU6p6ktKWlI/edit?usp=sharing
-Elke-

Jesicani

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2014, 08:22:49 PM »
I know that when it comes to writing, criticism is far more valuable than praise when it comes to improving, but unfortunately, I have no criticism to give you.

I love your writing and seeing mine pale in comparison to yours makes me feel envious.

I love your clever usage of metaphors and despite the large quantity your story contains I still know what you are talking about because of how tasteful they are and how naturally they occur in the story.

And I love how you managed to make an overdone, beaten-to-death topic which was love into an enjoyable journey through the life of Marya and the kinds of love she has experienced. And you do this by making the entire experience real. The entire read felt real, it felt organic. I was able to sympathize with the character because despite the gender difference between myself and her, the kinds of love that she had felt, seen, and experienced I had also felt, seen, and experienced.

It was an amazing story, and I would like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to read it.
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Dragon Mage

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2014, 08:28:55 PM »
That was so beautiful and so cute :-* I found it perfect and so real and have no words of criticism against it :) Good work!
 :plat:

Double A

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2014, 01:14:40 AM »
Well, I'm sure you're expecting some criticism here. But like Jesicani and Dragon Mage, there isn't any. To me, no words can describe how beautiful it was. The way you put it together was undeniably perfect. Well done, that's all I can say.  :)  :plat:
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Elke

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2014, 10:40:07 AM »
I know that when it comes to writing, criticism is far more valuable than praise when it comes to improving, but unfortunately, I have no criticism to give you.

I love your writing and seeing mine pale in comparison to yours makes me feel envious.

I love your clever usage of metaphors and despite the large quantity your story contains I still know what you are talking about because of how tasteful they are and how naturally they occur in the story.

And I love how you managed to make an overdone, beaten-to-death topic which was love into an enjoyable journey through the life of Marya and the kinds of love she has experienced. And you do this by making the entire experience real. The entire read felt real, it felt organic. I was able to sympathize with the character because despite the gender difference between myself and her, the kinds of love that she had felt, seen, and experienced I had also felt, seen, and experienced.

It was an amazing story, and I would like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to read it.

No, thank you so much for reading it! ^U^ I'm really happy you were able to make it through it, I was afraid it would be too long winded. :seraissweat: so thank you!
:0 I would love to read some of your writing! Have you posted any of it?

That was so beautiful and so cute :-* I found it perfect and so real and have no words of criticism against it :) Good work!
 :plat:

Thank you!! (yay! Platypus!)

Well, I'm sure you're expecting some criticism here. But like Jesicani and Dragon Mage, there isn't any. To me, no words can describe how beautiful it was. The way you put it together was undeniably perfect. Well done, that's all I can say.  :)  :plat:

Thank you >,<
-Elke-

Jesicani

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2014, 04:40:39 PM »
I wrote a few fanfics, but they're not that great and I don't wanna bother you with them. Thanks for the interest though.
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Eli

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2015, 06:40:05 PM »
Wow Elke, sorry for taking so long to read it, it was my loss!

Beautiful, romantic but also realistic, and not a single unnecessary word.  :)

Looking forward to read your next works!

Roxaszu

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2015, 12:21:52 AM »
Wow,
Elke,
It's really beautiful.
The way you write it , describe it, and put it together.
It's just...
Wonderful :)

So,
You'll write more of it, Right ? :)

Elke

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2015, 01:26:02 PM »
>.< Thank you guys! I really appreciate you all reading it (as it is so long), so thank you~

So,
You'll write more of it, Right ? :)

Haha, I hope to!
-Elke-

Wyndfal

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2015, 04:13:20 PM »
Hi Elke. How are you? :)

I want to apologize for the really long delay for the reply I promised to you. I was meaning to write it the best way I could, with no rush at all, but it eventually led to this huge time gap. I am really sorry for this. I hope this review will make up for my delay.

Before I begin, I would like you to know something. I don't overstate about my feelings, especially about something that is my career: English Literature. So if you find my words to be exaggerated, do not blame the words; I only say what I feel, no more, no less.

At the risk of stating the obvious, I really have to agree with the other guys on the quality of your work. I don't remember ever reading a story so short and at the same time so touching. Many known short stories tend to be overly complicated in both style, diction and narration. Yours had just the right amount of simplicity to keep your reader always interested, but it also had many instances of a modern novel's 'detachment'. It was professional yet reader-friendly at the same time.

I like how you began the story by a short sentence. It begins with a striking pessimism about love, of the kind that one hopes is proven unfounded, but it is not. And yet, despite all the false promises of the beginning, it manages to 'earn' true happiness, of the kind that endures in the fiercest of storms. Indeed, it seems to calm storms altogether. And such happiness is much greater than those bestowed upon a person since days immemorial.

It is a daring, all-out take on the universal concept of love, and its length is its strength. It goes around a long, long circle which is composed of a gradual fall followed by a gradual rise. This effect is beautifully distributed into pages 1-5 and 6-10. The first half deals with different illusions of love and the hangovers following them. It is in the second half that traces of true love start to appear, slowly but surely, until it blossoms into the fruit.

Unlike many other romantic works, however, Hues of Love does not simply 'talk' of love as a given, always-there concept. It 'shows' how love is 'learned' from the ashes of apathy and self-righteousness. It even delves deep into the abyss of emptiness and nihilistic life and yet survives, ever the stronger, with the prize of true love. Here, the catastrophe is not resolved in the last paragraph of the last page; it begins in much the same way that the fall began: with a slow, steady spark.

Of course, one cannot praise this story without mentioning the beautiful metaphors of colors adorning the pages. They were all novel and yet strangely familiar at the same time. It usually happens when the writer successfully blends her words into the senses. I would like to congratulate you on this feat. Frankly, I never knew such a wide range of colors even existed!

I found that much of the 'detachment' feeling surrounding your story came from your choice of words. There was some kind of ironic, almost sarcastic feeling to some of the words you used, especially in the first half of the story where false love is being described. The reverse was also true about the second half, where the words were smooth, relaxing and promising, building up to the bright resolution.

There were also excellent examples of metaphors in the story that I couldn't help but admire. I found "Worlds of wonder", "newest adventure", "heaven's tears", "hallways of her life", and "sleeping promise" among the most beautiful ones in the story.

I also liked how you applied euphemism on some parts of the story, especially where you explained Marya's sexual liaison with strangers. You said just what was needed to say without actually saying them, which is the true work of a talented writer.

Here is what I understood of the very different colors and forms of love as you described in the story:

self-love

survival love

love of own kind

contract love

material love

selfish love

burnt-out love

obsessive love

possessive love

manipulative love

lustful love

desperate love

empty love

addicted love

love of work

earned love

curious love reborn

beginning of mature love

true love

love of one's own child

Now, as is the custom for my reviews, I will note down some of the lines from the story which I really liked:

Quote
The more they searched for their summer warmth, the more they saw that the cocoon of reality had changed the other's wings.

One of the best examples of a well-written sentence in the story. One of my favorites. It just feels so right in everything it says. I can't seem to pinpoint what makes it so beautiful.

Quote
Marya was the frog at the bottom of the well believing the circular sky above is all that makes up the world.

Possibly my second favorite sentence with a beautiful metaphor on a young, inexperienced mind.

Quote
She brushed his greying stubble with her lips.

Where many would simply say "she kissed his cheek", you chose to write it differently. This is what they mean by 'defamiliarization'.

Quote
For the first time, Marya learned how to earn love.

It serves as a perfect turning point, with a promise of a brighter future.

Quote
a slight twinge of bitterness that comes with maturity owned by the habit of drinking coffee.

I suddenly found that I really love coffee!

Quote
Marya did not realize that despite closing up her heart, she had left the door unlocked.

Another lovable sentence which goes back to the darkness of the past with a triumphant irony.

Quote
They loitered in the hallways of her life.

I feel a sort of smooth 'gliding' in this sentence, the ones we experience when everything is so right.

Quote
Love was comfortable for the first time.

I find myself letting out a sigh of relief every time I read that.

Quote
The smallest things, she found, did not break.

This is one of those sentences that comes form the wisdom of the now matured Marya, and one that strikes very true to the point.

Quote
Amber is the color of rings. Golden days frozen forever as precious in the hearth of the earth.

What a beautiful way to immortalize sweet memories.

Quote
There is oddly little to say about the beautiful things in life. She supposed it was because warmth was not something you poured over, it was enjoyed in the moment.

Possibly the most quotable sentence in the story, and definitely one of my favorites.
It is hard to criticize a well-built criticism of a concept, especially one that strikes so much true to the point. At such circumstances, the only criticism one can give are those that find fault with the level of truth in the text, and in this case, I really could find none even if I was to dig very deep.

Finally, I would like to congratulate you on your excellent story. I really enjoyed reading it, all two times. Some parts I read three or four times, and found that time and recollection did not make them any less enjoyable. There were some parts where I felt my heart twinge, especially those about true love. I have not yet experienced true love in my life, but somehow I felt that this is how it must really feel, and my heart hungered for it. And isn't that what literature is really about, to represent life as lively as it really is?

I wanted to thank you for blessing us the pleasure of reading such an excellent story. I can't remember having enjoyed reading a short story this much. Do the world a favor and write more stories. We will all be waiting (even if one of us tarries in his reply ;))

Elke

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2015, 11:35:42 PM »
Firstly, thank you so much for such a gorgeously written reply. There were times when I read it that I forgot I was reading about my own work! It's always been one of my dreams to have my work examined so closely and interpreted as such, and it makes me so incredibly happy to see how in-depth your analyzation and response was. So thank you so much for putting in so much time into putting this together! (the delay was more than worth it  :seraismile:)

Before I begin, I would like you to know something. I don't overstate about my feelings, especially about something that is my career: English Literature.

This is slightly on a tangent, but I am really interested in pursuing a career involved with English Literature or writing, but I'm not sure how I could translate that into a career. I was wondering if you had any insight on how I could do so.

Quote
Unlike many other romantic works, however, Hues of Love does not simply 'talk' of love as a given, always-there concept. It 'shows' how love is 'learned' from the ashes of apathy and self-righteousness. It even delves deep into the abyss of emptiness and nihilistic life and yet survives, ever the stronger, with the prize of true love. Here, the catastrophe is not resolved in the last paragraph of the last page; it begins in much the same way that the fall began: with a slow, steady spark.

Just want to say, reading this paragraph makes me feel so happy >.< It feels almost out of a book review or essay.

Quote
Of course, one cannot praise this story without mentioning the beautiful metaphors of colors adorning the pages. They were all novel and yet strangely familiar at the same time. It usually happens when the writer successfully blends her words into the senses. I would like to congratulate you on this feat. Frankly, I never knew such a wide range of colors even existed!

 XD I didn't realise there were so many colors either! until I began to write this story and had to search for new ones to fit in the meanings I wanted to convey.

Quote
I also liked how you applied euphemism on some parts of the story, especially where you explained Marya's sexual liaison with strangers. You said just what was needed to say without actually saying them

I actually found that to be one of the hardest parts to write. As it wasn't something I've ever experienced myself, I tried the best I could to brush at the subject without going into depths I didn't understand about it. I'm happy to see it was picked up on  :seraismile:

Quote
Here is what I understood of the very different colors and forms of love as you described in the story:

self-love

survival love

love of own kind

contract love

material love

selfish love

burnt-out love

obsessive love

possessive love

manipulative love

lustful love

desperate love

empty love

addicted love

love of work

earned love

curious love reborn

beginning of mature love

true love

love of one's own child

 :blush: There's a few in there I didn't mean to write in, but I realize were actually implemented. XD Very comprehensive list, thank you!  :vikonsmile:

Quote
Quote
Marya was the frog at the bottom of the well believing the circular sky above is all that makes up the world.

Possibly my second favorite sentence with a beautiful metaphor on a young, inexperienced mind.

That phrase is actually an allusion to a Chinese folktale about a frog who thinks the sky is only as big as the opening of the well its in. I find a lot of Chinese sayings and stories fit subject matters and I think I sprinkled a few references in there.

Quote
Where many would simply say "she kissed his cheek", you chose to write it differently. This is what they mean by 'defamiliarization'.

I've never heard this term used before. Could you explain it?

Quote
Quote
a slight twinge of bitterness that comes with maturity owned by the habit of drinking coffee.

I suddenly found that I really love coffee!

It's actually quite ironic as I find coffee gross, but it really worked with Marya's character of one who has experienced so many bitter things and is also a workaholic. After writing about her love of coffee, I started to get mixed sentiments of both disgust and longing. XD It's one of the those things I wish I liked.

Quote
Finally, I would like to congratulate you on your excellent story. I really enjoyed reading it, all two times. Some parts I read three or four times, and found that time and recollection did not make them any less enjoyable. There were some parts where I felt my heart twinge, especially those about true love. I have not yet experienced true love in my life, but somehow I felt that this is how it must really feel, and my heart hungered for it. And isn't that what literature is really about, to represent life as lively as it really is?

I don't know if I have experienced such love in my life either, and I think that's why I wrote the story - to try and grasp the meaning of it. After all, it's hard to find/catch something you can't conceptualize/see. I irrationally believe that everyone will find true love, and so you shall! And yes, I absolutly agree. Literature is the most pretentious and portentious of mirrors.

Quote
I wanted to thank you for blessing us the pleasure of reading such an excellent story. I can't remember having enjoyed reading a short story this much. Do the world a favor and write more stories. We will all be waiting (even if one of us tarries in his reply ;))

I really have to say thank you so much for writing this fantastic review! Reading all this has made me want to write so much more now >.< I shall continue writing and post more, and I hope you'll read it when I do!  ;D[/size]
-Elke-

Wyndfal

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Re: Some writing ^U^
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2015, 08:28:24 PM »
Quote
Firstly, thank you so much for such a gorgeously written reply. There were times when I read it that I forgot I was reading about my own work! It's always been one of my dreams to have my work examined so closely and interpreted as such, and it makes me so incredibly happy to see how in-depth your analyzation and response was. So thank you so much for putting in so much time into putting this together! (the delay was more than worth it  :seraismile:)

I am so glad that you liked the review. It was the least I could do after reading your lovely story. It is ironic how it was always my dream to write a long, comprehensive review in favor of a story I loved. So it went both ways :D

Quote
This is slightly on a tangent, but I am really interested in pursuing a career involved with English Literature or writing, but I'm not sure how I could translate that into a career. I was wondering if you had any insight on how I could do so.

Hmm. I think there are two main ways by which you can earn money via literature: 1) writing stories for journals and publishers 2) teaching literature in university.

I myself want to be a university teacher one day :)

Quote
I've never heard this term used before. Could you explain it?

You know how some lines and sentences are so predictable that, by reading the first word, you can guess all the rest? That happens because we tend to familiarize ourselves with the style and the words on the page before us, which in turn makes t easier for us go through the text as fast as possible. This issue was challenged by Russian Formalists of the early 20th century, who insisted that literary texts are not like newspaper, which you just want to read as fast as possible to get to the "point" of it all; they instead believed that the so-called "point" of reading a literary text is the process of reading itself. You don't want to get to the end; you want to immerse yourself in every second of it. They treated the reading of literature like a journey, which is pleasurable because it is long, not despite it.

'Defamiliarization' is a term coined by Russian Formalists to refer to a special quality in some literary texts which evades being familiarized by constantly going against the grain. Therefore, where you most expect the word "night" after the word "dark", a defamiliarizing text might say "dark noon", which is ironic considering that it is actually the brightest hour of the day.

Getting back to your own story, the way you stated that Marya kissed her father's cheek was unlike what we ordinarily expect. Many are tempted to simply go with "She kissed her father's cheek" and just be done with it. You, however, decided to say even a simple thing like this in a unique way, which was in turn much more effective and memorable.

Quote
It's actually quite ironic as I find coffee gross, but it really worked with Marya's character of one who has experienced so many bitter things and is also a workaholic. After writing about her love of coffee, I started to get mixed sentiments of both disgust and longing. XD It's one of the those things I wish I liked.

That is yet another testament to your talents as a story writer. Using the power of imagination, a brilliant writer can evoke all kinds of emotions with her words, even those she has not experienced herself. It is a rare and beautiful thing, but those who have it are without doubt among the best writers in the world.

Quote
I don't know if I have experienced such love in my life either, and I think that's why I wrote the story - to try and grasp the meaning of it. After all, it's hard to find/catch something you can't conceptualize/see. I irrationally believe that everyone will find true love, and so you shall! And yes, I absolutely agree. Literature is the most pretentious and portentious of mirrors.

I had a feeling that you too hadn't experienced true love. Oftentimes when our imaginations are uncontaminated by the realities of the world, they speak of a much higher level of truth which strikes a cord in our hearts too deep for "reality" to touch. Hues of Love was one such example. It treated the concept of love in such a delicate and yet comprehensive way that I got the feeling that you might not have yet "experienced" true love. And that is quite natural, because usually when our conceptions are mixed with experience, we tend to apply prejudice to the consequences and are thus a few steps removed from the essence of things. But when we instead let our imagination reach out and grasp the essence, the answer is much more pleasing to the soul.

Quote
I really have to say thank you so much for writing this fantastic review! Reading all this has made me want to write so much more now >.< I shall continue writing and post more, and I hope you'll read it when I do!  ;D

You are very much welcome, Elke. Stories like this deserve much more. It might even end up published somewhere, who knows? ;)

I am so glad so hear that you are going to write more stories! I will eagerly count the days for that. The instant you finish writing one, you know what to do :D

Good luck  :)
« Last Edit: February 06, 2015, 02:06:20 PM by Super Wyndfal »