Author Topic: I need some constructive criticism  (Read 2739 times)

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EgotisticalRaven

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I need some constructive criticism
« on: May 22, 2014, 08:18:35 AM »
I wrote a poem, but I want some constructive criticism for it. The poem's called, The Lover Of Ophelia. The poem's about the play Hamlet.

The father of my lover died,
But two months ago,
Though the body buried, and the marriage of the widow,
My poor lover weeps, like a weeping willow,
Caught in the traps and suits of woe.

The power of the throne's all the fool will get,
Died two months ago and not forgotten yet,
As my lover in my lap he lay,
Watching the king as he watches the play.

Now my lover, mad he is sent,
Kills my aging father, as his father went,
Not with poison, but a knife,
Yet, still ending another life.
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Legacyblade

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2014, 06:21:18 PM »
I'm not particularly good when it comes to poetry (can't tell if the technique is good or bad), but I think you did a good job at artistically summing up the situation. However, I feel it doesn't really capture the emotions Ophelia is going through. You gotta remember, Hamlet's obsession with revenge and (accidental) murder of her father drove her to utter insanity. This sounds a bit cold and distant. If that's what you're going for, then you did a great job. I can see why you'd write a poem like that to show that she's trying to push her emotions away and is sort of giving up on everything. But I think it'd be a more powerful poem if you capture her emotions, rather than just recap the events from her perspective.

Hope that helps :3 Again, poetry isn't my field of expertise, so feel free to ignore my advice lol.

EgotisticalRaven

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2014, 03:50:34 AM »
I'm not particularly good when it comes to poetry (can't tell if the technique is good or bad), but I think you did a good job at artistically summing up the situation. However, I feel it doesn't really capture the emotions Ophelia is going through. You gotta remember, Hamlet's obsession with revenge and (accidental) murder of her father drove her to utter insanity. This sounds a bit cold and distant. If that's what you're going for, then you did a great job. I can see why you'd write a poem like that to show that she's trying to push her emotions away and is sort of giving up on everything. But I think it'd be a more powerful poem if you capture her emotions, rather than just recap the events from her perspective.

Hope that helps :3 Again, poetry isn't my field of expertise, so feel free to ignore my advice lol.

Thanks, that's a good suggestion, I will consider that, maybe I'll write another verse, just so I can capture her insainity and emotion. I guess I almost forgot about that.
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Legacyblade

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2014, 04:00:47 PM »
That's a good plan  :) Because what you have written IS pretty good. So it'd be a shame to alter it too much. But the addition of something new would fix the only problem I found with it while preserving what I liked about it lol.

EgotisticalRaven

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2014, 01:57:03 AM »
I have just found out that I'm not that good at writing emotional verses, but I tried. This one would be a bit eaiser to give feeback on, because I'm not as good at wrting emotional, than I am clinical things. Here's the new verse.

Through all these events I've kept my pride,
But each one burns me up inside,
These emotions I've tried to hide,
I've decided to commit suicide,
Standing on the beach, near the tide,
I fell into the water, there I died.

« Last Edit: May 30, 2014, 03:54:11 AM by EgotisticalRaven »
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Kyo

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2014, 04:56:59 AM »
Unfortunately I can't give you any real feedback because I'm stupid; however, there's something that has been bothering me.

"The father of my lover", she says, then "My poor lover". If I remember correctly, Ophelia didn't consider Hamlet her lover. It was he who had been in love with her, and that love seemed to be an unrequited one.
I may be wrong though.

EgotisticalRaven

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2014, 06:32:20 AM »
Unfortunately I can't give you any real feedback because I'm stupid; however, there's something that has been bothering me.

"The father of my lover", she says, then "My poor lover". If I remember correctly, Ophelia didn't consider Hamlet her lover. It was he who had been in love with her, and that love seemed to be an unrequited one.
I may be wrong though.

In my veiw they were lovers. They had a massive argument during the play. After that Hamlet loved her again, it's a bit all over the place.

In my opinion, because Hamlet pushed everything out of his mind, but revenge, he tried to distance himself from Ophelia, that was why he claimed he didn't love her. After that he forgot about revenge (a little bit) and was distracted by trying to prove that the king was really guilty and that the ghost didn't lie to him. During that time of the play within a play, Hamlet acted lovingly towards her, which confused her.

Also is shows that they have a bit of history between them (in terms of love), when she was giving love letters back to Hamlet that he had given her, and the love letter that Polonius read to Hamlet's uncle-father. Ophelia also talked to her brother and Polonius about her and Hamlet's relationship.

At the funeral of Ophelia Hamlet taunted Laertes tying to show how much he loves Ophelia, and how Hamlet loves her more than Laertes (Or any brother) could.

That's my understanding of the situation.
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Merlandese

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2014, 02:32:39 AM »
Cervical backbone can be left out entirely...

I agree with this criticism. Next time, leave it out.

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Re: I need some constructive criticism
« Reply #8 on: August 08, 2014, 07:56:57 AM »
I think there couldd have been more of a mention of unicorns, perhaps?  :)
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