Author Topic: The Waves of Destiny: The Land of the Lost (NaNoWriMo 2010)  (Read 1331 times)

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The Waves of Destiny: The Land of the Lost (NaNoWriMo 2010)
« on: November 02, 2010, 12:10:44 PM »
I'm not posting everything yet, just bit by bit. I'm glad to accept criticism (but make sure they do not sound like insults, otherwise you will hear from me). Consider this work as 'beta' since I value quantity over quality at the moment. Once November ends, I'll do the inverse.

Spoiler: "Prologue" • show
Twenty long tremendous years have gone through ever since the two greatest powers in the world, namely the Altrusian Empire and the Allevan Empire waged long wars against each other. Most of those persons involved say that it was a fight for power, while others say that it was merely a result of conflicting cultural beliefs among the two. Many others thought of racial discrimination as the reason behind the twenty long years of bloodbath, or even a personal dispute between its leaders. Regardless of what was behind it, only one matter truly remained to be true. Cannons, swords, spears, and other deadly spells flew upon the kingdoms. Every men, women, and capable children past the age of seventeen were forcibly enlisted in this worthless bloodbath, thus causing world wide depression, and an ad infinitum wish for what they call ‘world reconciliation’. The world continued to succumb into the darkness, the Allevan Empire were at the edge of victory while the Altrusian armies are desperately seeking help from every ally they could call.

The leader of the Allevan Empire, and his cronies created a powerful weapon that would soon end all forms of resistance made against them once and for all. Their powerful weapon took in the form of crystal fragments, which bears almost all the magical powers of the earth, and left a devastating result to its victims. It was used as an instrument of torture, some took it as an instrument for killing others, while some used it to take over the free lands. He and his dark cronies have taken almost all of the free lands, one by one. However, despite the overwhelming power that the Allevans had to defeat any form of resistance, there were some that were very brave to resist.

Out of the desperate cry for peace and justice, ten figures representing the major nations from all corners of the world stepped forth and gathered together and formed a powerful campaign to stop the Allevan Empire. They call themselves as “The Peace Seekers”. The Peace Seekers formed the “Hope Crystal”, the counterpart of the crystals that the Allevans designed to eliminate their enemies. Though this counterpart has proven its utmost strengths against their enemies, it still does not suffice the powers of the crystal fragments formed into one. The final alliance that stood against the Allevan Empire now fought together with the Peace Seekers.

“Aim!” the leading General screamed up to the top of his voice. The archers slowly aimed at their opponent’s weak point. “Fire!” the General commanded his troops, thus allowing the archers fire to the fast approaching opponent. The battle continued with the help of the Hope Crystal and as a result, the Alliance made a formidable progress which would soon become their victory. However, the crystals the enemies had were much powerful than theirs.

It’s power could unfortunately not be undone.

At this moment, all failed hope soon began to vanish. When Fa, the sole heir to the assassinated King of Altruse, took up his father’s sword and scepter and used it to finish off the Allevian Emperor. The emperor dropped the crystal and breathed his last. Victory is finally at the hands of the Alliance, and peace was restored. He was destined to wield both crystals for the safety of the world. However, Fa was seduced by the powers of the crystals and became torn of his sanity, thus allowing him to become the power-monger no one has ever imagined. His trustworthy servant decided to betray for the good of his master and stole the crystals and hid them somewhere no living will find it.

More years and months soon have passed and their legacy has been left forgotten in the pages of History. The world returned back to how it was. Sea ships and airships travel all across the world. Families were reunited and lived together in almost perfect harmony. It was peaceful, or so would it seem. Some actually had the guts to daresay that the war is over. However, it is still human nature that continues to hold his infinite desires, but it has been human nature as well the reason why such has never ever been satisfied.

Spoiler: "Chapter 1: Thief Treatment • show

Day 23rd of May, Summer 1433

It was minutes before the sun sets into the night.

The northern continent is a very productive region in the world due to the mines located in that slice of the world; however their lands are always covered in thick white snow. The summer heat from the sun however thankfully gave ample heat towards its inhabitants to experience the fun of the sun. Thelablisse was a fine seaside city in the northern continent. To most travelers, this city is often called “The Land through the Ice”, due to a sea route to the city would pass through two huge icebergs.

The late nights are dangerous nights in the city, as it is a usual time when snow storm surges come along even during the summer. This uncontrollable and unbearable weather is something the inhabitants have to prepare for and avoid everyday. However, two young orphans ought to dare themselves to venture out in the early in the night. One wants to spend time out in the cold air, while the other had things to do for his own. Another three hundred and sixty degrees have passed, and the night has gone deeper. The duo is now on their way back towards the orphanage.

“Are you really certain about what you are doing, Finlo? I mean, thievery here is almost exactly as gravely punishing someone who has done perjury!” Finlo’s younger sibling Finla reluctantly asked his brother if he knows what crime has he done. A fine, solid girl she was, but his brother is yet capable of outsmarting her wits. “I would not be doing something as petty as this if I did not know what I was doing!” That was a very reluctant response from him. “Besides, it’s just three pieces of apple and a rusty-edged key.” There was a long silence between the two. Finla simply was not that sure what wise words can she use to counter her sibling.

They reach the orphanage within minutes. The cathedral clock struck at eight.  The candle lamps went on in an instant. Stood on the middle of the aisle was a woman. “Where have you been!” Her unpleasant voice was heard throughout the whole building. “What and where have the two of you have been up to!” Finlo, knowing that he has done something conspicuous, started to noticeably shiver even at the presence of their strict female caretaker. After a short amount of time, he dropped the things which he had coveted on his own.

“Explain to me what those are, young man!”

“These, old lady, are the fruits of the years you have treated not just me, but all of us. You treat us like mere destitute individuals!”

This has flamed the heart of the female guardian. She was grossly infuriated with Finlo’s insults. She dragged Finlo to the constable upon realizing that the three apples and the key were stolen items from the market. He tried to grapple himself out of his cruel guardian’s clutches, but he could not.

“What wrong hath this child done to you, lest to others?” The constable answered. “This boy has stolen well over a high grandeur of items in the market place.”

“That’s not true! Stop lying, you obese wretch!”


The female guardian smacked him with her might. The constable was shocked and managed to stop the tension between the two.

“I truly apologize for intruding you during this late hour, sir.”

“No, no. There is no need for apologies, my lady. During these times that thieves scour the land, I have the imperative to do my duties as the constable.”

The two bowed to each other and she left the constable, leaving Finlo with a bruise in his eye and the constable.

“Let go of me!”

He made an attempt to inflict pain on the constable, but his efforts were futile. The constable instead countered with hitting him with a stick, thus losing his consciousness. The constable took out the dungeon key and carried him into the dungeons, where he was tied against the wall.

Two long weeks have passed, and it was very painful for his part. He received lashes for each time he would not follow the constable’s orders, and he was only given food once a day. His health and sanity began to deteriorate despite his youth. He roared out cries and curses, which gave fear to the constable and to the other prisoners. He was regarded as mad by most of the prisoners, much to the displeasure of Finla and their friends in the orphanage.

A storm surge was amidst the city, and the surge itself created noise especially to his cell, being the nethermost part of the prison. It was the moment when he was not tied to the moist wall. As he laid his back on the floor, he heard a commotion going on the upper area of the prison. He also heard a weird pattern of hits on the wall next to him. “Is anyone there?” he asked.

“Oh, speak to me, whoever you are!” A voice came from the other side. Finlo thought of him as another prisoner. “Who are you?” The voice inquired.

“A wretched, deranged prisoner.”

“How long have you been here in this filthy dungeon?”

“Since the twenty-third of the month.”

“What is your crime?”

“For stealing apples and a rotten key.”

The man from the other side laughed hysterically, vis-a-vis to a person never laughed for long years. “To the left from where you are now is a hidden door. You can come to my place at any time.”

Finlo does not understand. “Why is this man welcoming me to his ‘abode’, yet I have never met him anywhere else?”

He slowly felt for the hidden door, and gave a bit of push. He saw the opening, and he squeezed through it to get past the thick wall. The man’s cell was more inviting than his was, and has a window next to it. There were a lot of hidden items that seem to be improvised from the obsolete rock materials.

“I have been working on this for years.” He openly shared the secret passage to Finlo. “This leads out towards the queen’s palace gardens.”

As he took a peek on the garden, smoke entered into the chamber. The two were coughing due to the thick smoke that the fire outside has produced. “Something is going on outside. This might be our time to escape!”
« Last Edit: November 02, 2010, 12:13:16 PM by Stardale »


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Re: The Waves of Destiny: The Land of the Lost (NaNoWriMo 2010)
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2010, 03:47:15 AM »
End of the month, Stardale. Did you meet the deadline?

I like the narrative of this. It reads like a fable or a spoken legend, which gets the juicy bits of the story out in the open.

There isn't much to critique, since it's a NaNoWriMo project and is, by design, written in haste. But, if you want to read some interesting tips, look at Everyone's Most Hated Fantasy Cliches. It's pretty informative, and I've done away with a few of those cliches in my own writing.