Author Topic: Through My Eyes  (Read 1117 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sushi

  • is a glom.
  • *
  • Tier 7
  • **
  • Posts: 1201
  • Gender: Female
  • FLOAT! FLOAT! FLOAT! ...OLIVEEEEEERRR!!!
  • Current Mood: happy happy
Through My Eyes
« on: October 07, 2010, 10:08:02 PM »
IS A STORY THING. >o>

Yeah. Everyone's been posting lately, so I figured I might as well. xD It's kind of old, but it's been revised a lot, so... yeah. >w>

CRITIQUE AND SHIZ OKAY?

Spoiler: Through My Eyes • show


 My fingers glide over the lines of her face, tracing the curve of her nose, the edges of her lips, her softly pointed chin. Then, I slide them into her hair, running through it once to get a feel for the length, then again, this time taking in the silky softness. Running one finger beneath the edges of her eyes, I whisper, "I can see you."
 
 "I'm glad," she replies, and I think I can almost hear the smile in her voice.
 
 Lightly pressing my fingers against her lips proves my theory. I smile in return, before leaning back in my chair and fixing my gaze on where her voice had come from. "Paint a picture for me, Kachi," I say simply.
 
 "We're in the marketplace," she begins, her voice ringing strong and clear. "The streets are paved with reddish-brown bricks. The buildings are of every shape and size, most are made of sandstone. The one we're in front of is two stories tall, with a balcony of snakewood. The street is wide, and lined with vendors and stalls on every side. They're selling everything here, from fish to jewelry to fortunes. There are people everywhere, adults going about their business, children running and playing. The sun is shining, lighting everything with a soft glow. It's..." Her narrative voice pauses for a moment, and she says softly, "It's beautiful."
 
 I close my eyes, though doing so brings no change, and sink back into what I can see. Children laughing, vendors shouting and advertising their goods, a cart rolling past, its wheels making a steady click-clack against the bricks. Snippets of conversation that seem senseless out of context, the melodic sound of the Altari tongue. The ripple of magic energy from a cast spell. The aroma of baking bread, spices and herbs, fresh meat. The warmth of the sun on my skin, the gentle breeze that ruffles my hair. This is what I see.
 
 "It is beautiful," I agree, opening my eyes again to acknowledge her. I sweep my gaze in a wide arc, though I see nothing.
 
 "How can you tell?" There is a slight pang in her voice, and I wonder what her expression is. "You can't see it."
 
 I lean forward, lightly running my fingers over her face. Her lips are pulled down in a frown, and her brow is furrowed with worry. Brushing my thumb over the edge of her mouth, I murmur, "You should smile. It looks better on you."
 
 Beneath my fingertips, her expression morphs into a little happier one, a small smile replacing her frown. My own smile widens a little more as a result, and I slide my hand up to ruffle her hair. "That's better," I whisper, before pulling my hand away.
 
 A moment later, she reaches out and brings it back, lacing her own fingers through mine. "This is how you see, isn't it?" she says in a wondering tone, turning my hand this way and that. "These are your eyes."
 
 I let out a small laugh. "That's one of them, yes." I reach up to tap my ear, saying, "This is another."
 
 "Then," she says, taking hold of my hand again and pointing it towards the open marketplace, "tell me what you see."
 
 So I do.
"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd." — China Miéville

Merlandese

  • 静態の遊子
  • *
  • Tier 7
  • **
  • Posts: 5095
  • Gender: Male
  • ---
  • Current Mood: happy happy
Re: Through My Eyes
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2010, 12:09:01 AM »
Very sweet. Short and delicious. I really liked it. You write well, Sush-a-loosh.

What's funny is when the girl was describing the area, I thought, "now this could be written better." But then when I realized he was blind, I was like, "Oh. Sushi did a great job!" :kardiansmile:

Miss Nile

  • レゲシブレイドが大好きです。
  • *
  • Tier 7
  • **
  • Posts: 3109
  • Gender: Female
  • Miss of The Grand Nile; Founder of Snow Rose
    • Snow Rose Games
  • Current Mood: playful playful
Re: Through My Eyes
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2010, 07:37:27 AM »
Aww it's cute. ^^ Pretty short but sweet as well. I really like how you write! ^.^

Doragon

  • will not hesitate to sic her OCs on you.
  • *
  • Tier 5
  • **
  • Posts: 326
  • Gender: Female
  • Need a pyro? Call me.
  • Current Mood: sad sad
Re: Through My Eyes
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2010, 10:13:22 AM »
Your characters make me happy, Sushi. >w>;

Quite well written, even if it is an old piece. :D I'm useless at critique, so I'm really not going to try. I didn't spot anything really obviously wrong, tho. <o<;
Do you know what I mean when I say "I don't want to be alone?"
I no longer have a choice but to pretend I am brave, for a soldier has to be brave...

Sushi

  • is a glom.
  • *
  • Tier 7
  • **
  • Posts: 1201
  • Gender: Female
  • FLOAT! FLOAT! FLOAT! ...OLIVEEEEEERRR!!!
  • Current Mood: happy happy
Re: Through My Eyes
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2010, 01:49:34 PM »
Merlandese - ANOTHER NICKNAME OH DEAR. D8
Hah, but thanks~:D Yeah, I thought about making the girl's description less bland, but I figured she'd be the kind to rely just on sight. And not be very good at description, 'cause she hates reading and shiz. AND IT PROVIDES CONTRAST OR SOMETHING. >o>

Luv - Thank you~:D Yes, is very short... my short stories are usually only a couple hundred words. xD I DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR LONGER THINGS. |DDD;;

Dora - YAY FOR HAPPINESS! -twirls-
Pfff. I am being denied critique from an epic writer. I FEEL REJECTED.
-is shot-
But yes. >w> Thanks anyway~
"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd." — China Miéville