Author Topic: Random Scene  (Read 1726 times)

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Vasha

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Random Scene
« on: September 30, 2010, 06:50:29 PM »
The sun beats down on me, sweat sliding down my face and flooding into my eyes and mouth. I try to wipe it away, but all that succeeds in doing is getting the sweat caked onto the back of my hand and rubbing the briny taste further into my mouth. Dust swirls around my feet and coats them with the same color as the ground. The air smells of salt.


And that's when I see him.


He has the same blank expression as he always does, but something is off about it. I take a moment to study his face before I notice what's wrong: he's smiling. Even with it's obviously malicious intent, it still looked foreign on his face - like one of nature's warning signs, yelling for him to run away.


A few more strides and our faces are right next to each other. His breath is hot on my face. It smells like tobacco; I never thought of him as the chewing type.


"I knew you would show," he says, his voice already full of triumph.


"Shut up," I spit.


"I knew you would show, because I know you."


"Shut up."


"And I know you want to see her."


"Where is she?" I shout at him.


"All in due time."


Before I know what I'm doing, my first is smacking him across his face. He reels bad a bit, the smile disappeared completely from his features. My knuckles throb and I can see tiny drops of blood forming.


"Fine," he growls, wiping a small trickle of blood away from his lip. I blink and there's a gun in his hand, pointing directly at my forehead. "If you want to fight so badly, then we'll do this properly."


He puts his pistol back in its holster and motions to mine.


I know what he wants.


We turn away from each other and he begins the count.


"One."


We both take a step forward.


"Two."


And my mind fills with thoughts of her.


"Three."


And him.


"Four."


And all the things he could have done to her.


"Five."


I'll kill him.


"Six."


Adrenaline and rage flood through me and block my senses. All that's left is me and my desire to kill.


Seven.


 To kill him.


Eight.


Ill do it.


Nine.


I'll kill him.


Ten.


I spin around and grab my gun.


And a shot pierces the air.


And I can see and hear again.


And he's on the ground.


And I realize my mistake.


I run to him. He's gasping for breath and clawing at the blood gurgling out of his chest. Even as he's clinging desperately to life, that victorious look in his eye is still there. He knows he's won.


"Where is she? What have you done to her?" I cry, kneeling down next to him and shaking his limp form.


"You'll never knows," he laughs, barely audible. He coughs up blood that splatters all over my shirt, but I don't care about it. All I care about is this man, and him telling me where she is.


But then he just stops breathing.


I lay him carefully on the ground, now trembling just as much as he had been.


I killed him.


And now I'll never know where she is.


She'll die.


And it's all my fault.


I killed her, too.


I weep.


And I die inside.


======


So as I was writing this, I realized it kinda sounds a bit like Todd and Viola, but it's totally not >_> i'm picturing the man in his 20s or 30s, and the woman as his wife. and... the guy... i dunno, some random kidnapper or something :P not quite sure about him, yet.

so yeah, just some practice with being more descriptive, and suspenseful/semi-action-y scenes. critiques, bitte?

also: any suggestions about names for this?

mepwnn

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2010, 07:05:21 PM »
Lol, it's kinda hard to read something cheerful from Luv then something depressing like this xD

In all seriousness, this is pretty good. But if you're practicing descriptive writing, you mostly achieve that through the beginning, nearing the end, it's just about the guy crying about how he can't save "her" anymore.
also, I can see the suspense building and whatnot, but it's still slightly anticlimactic. I dunno how you can improve on that though sorry.

Great job though :) (b^_^)b
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Vasha

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2010, 07:42:26 PM »
yeah... my original thoughts were only about the ending part (practicing suspense/action) but i knew that just having that would be kind of random, so i had to put in the beginning, and that helped me practice getting in details. the actiony scene had to have short sentences, so no descriptions there :P

mepwnn

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2010, 07:54:13 PM »
yeah, i can understand that the action wouldn't have any long sentences cuz otherwise it'd be boring to read :D
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Sushi

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2010, 08:53:19 PM »
I am going to critique this in the way I critique stuff on Inkpop. Which means my formal critiquing. Because... I can. |D Also I am commenting as I read, just fyi.

Legend: ‼ = error, [ ] = correction, » = comment/suggestion, * = final thoughts, 「」 = quotation.

» I like the description/mental picture I get from the beginning, but I'm not fond of descriptive beginnings in genera--ooh. Never mind. It works. >w>
‼ 「 Even with [its] obviously malicious intent, it still [looks] foreign on his face - like one of nature's warning signs, yelling for him to run away. 」 I like this line. |D But... 'yelling for him'? 'Him' who? The guy who's smiling maliciously? That makes no sense... should that be 'me'?
» 「 "Where is she?" I shout at him. 」 This may just be me, but I always think that if someone's shouting/yelling/etc.,  there should be an exclamation point. Also, his voice escalating to that point right there just seems... odd. Maybe 'growled' would work better? Or 'snarled' if you want a higher level of anger.
‼ 「 Before I know what I'm doing, my [fist] is smacking him across his face. He reels [back] a bit, the smile disappeared completely from his features.  」 I think 'vanished' would work better than 'disappeared'.
‼ 「 [I'll] do it. 」 Also, I sort of think it's getting dragged out. After the first 「 I'll kill him. 」 it sort of gets dragged out and loses its effect.
* I hereby dub you: the great writer who makes many typos. |D CHECK FOR TYPOS NEXT TIME PLZ KTHXBAI.

But yeah. >w> 'Twas awesome. I think the suspense was built wonderfully, except for where I mentioned it dragged out. And. And. And I was going to say something else but I forgot it. Dx Um... names... Thomas? Richard? Neil? Michael?
"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd." — China Miéville

Vasha

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2010, 09:08:09 PM »
1)  well, techinically this would be in the middle/end of the story, but i just started here :P "i'm not fond of descriptive beginnings in genera--ooh. never mind. it works." o_O
2)  whoops, yeah, that should be 'me' i added that while i was typing it up, so i didn't really catch it :seraisweat:
3)  if it's a question, i usually put a question mark :P just personal preference i suppose. and i guess it does sound weird. i had it switched go 'growl' for a bit, but i used that later, so i just switched it back
4)  kay. it did sound a bit odd to me, i just wasn't sure how to say it
5)  well, he was kinda talking himself into it. like he's telling himself 'i'll kill him, i'll do it, i'm not afraid.' did it really sound that awkward?
6)  kay...~ D:

Also: i meant names for the story, not names for the character. i like having names for my stories S:

Sushi

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2010, 09:20:33 PM »
3) I figure it'd be '?!'.
5) I just think that from there to 'ten' it's just repetitive and loses its effect. D: But that could just be me...

Oh. >o> Story title... I dunno then. xD
"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd." — China Miéville

Vasha

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2010, 09:30:33 PM »
2) i used to do that, then my bro bashed on me and said only to use one ending mark :P
5) mghalghdaskla DDD: i'll see what my teacher and friends think

Sushi

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Re: Random Scene
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2010, 09:42:26 PM »
2) Yell at him for me then. >___> Because whenever that happens it breaks the flow for me. Dx CREATIVE LICENSE CAN BE USED FOR THE BETTER OF THE STORY.
"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd." — China Miéville