Author Topic: Love's Evil Melodies [Concept Thread]  (Read 5503 times)

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Raxus

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Re: Love's Evil Melodies [Concept Thread]
« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2009, 11:07:28 AM »
Erm... Luvie, when you wrote, "Everyone asked for help, because my voice helped them."

The word "help" being repeated doesn't sound very good. Let me suggest, "Everyone came to me, asking for my helpful voice" Or "Everyone came to me, because my voice could help them."

Miss Nile

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Re: Love's Evil Melodies [Concept Thread]
« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2009, 12:14:06 PM »
Ahh you're right about that Raxy. Thanks for suggestions, putting it in mind. :vikonsmile:

Legacyblade

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Re: Love's Evil Melodies [Concept Thread]
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2009, 12:19:05 PM »
It sounds more interesting to say it like this

"They all came to me. They came because my voice could help them."

Yes I know, it uses a very similar sentence twice, but the repetition, when done right, adds some drama for some reason. But when done wrong, it reads like a fansub. (nothing WRONG with that, they just generally aren't really good in the stylistic department.) Just my opinion though, I am in a weird mood today and must voice all opinions.


-edit

btw, I now have joined the site.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2009, 12:43:59 PM by legacyblade »

Miss Nile

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Re: Love's Evil Melodies [Concept Thread]
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2009, 02:03:25 PM »
Welcome, legacy. ^^

And yeah, that sounds actually much better. Thanks for the suggestion! ^^