Author Topic: A good place to burn time: fmylife  (Read 7502 times)

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2009, 01:55:22 PM »
Speaking of which

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Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2009, 11:53:20 PM »
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Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
^ This is the top FML
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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2009, 01:44:54 PM »
Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

Today, I was at the doctor and I had to get a "finger stick" in the lab to get blood drawn. There was a 6 year old boy waiting to go next. He was terrified. His mother told him to "watch this brave girl go first." I panicked and began to hyperventilate. The boy fainted. FML
^My favourite out of those ones. :D

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2009, 02:13:57 AM »
Spoiler: show
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Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

Can't stop laughing

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Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. Randomly, she confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML
Fail

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Today, we were visiting my great-grandma, who has Alzheimer’s. We spent most of the day with her and she didn't know who we all were. Time came for us to leave so when I gave her a hug good-bye, she whispered into my ear, "You're my type." FML
Oh, wow, doesn't that suck?
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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #19 on: May 21, 2009, 08:55:15 PM »
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Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #20 on: June 01, 2009, 08:57:53 PM »
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Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

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Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

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Today, my husband of ten years was playing the Sims. I asked him about the house he built. Apparently, it was his dream house, and he recreated himself as a Sim so he could live in it. Then I asked him where the wife was. There was no wife. It was his happy place. FML

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Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2009, 10:21:56 PM »
The stories are priceless! :)

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #22 on: June 02, 2009, 09:37:02 AM »
Okay, the Sims one, why is she complaining? I was seriously expecting him to have made some other woman his sims wife, that would have been a lot funnier. If my husband was using the sims to pretend he had no wife, I think I would understand, but at least he didn't make himself a different wife.

And I almost feel sorrier for the security guard.
This might hurt, it's not safe / But I know that I've gotta make a change / I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something


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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2009, 01:07:43 AM »
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Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML
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Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML
All I can say for ^This one is :o
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Today I was working at my retail job. A customer stopped me on my way to break saying "someone" had broken a snow globe. She showed me where it was and I cleaned it up with her circling me. I finished and put the cleaning supplies away when I heard a 'crash' as the same woman dropped another snow globe. FML
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Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML
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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #24 on: June 16, 2009, 01:39:29 AM »
Okay, the Sims one, why is she complaining? I was seriously expecting him to have made some other woman his sims wife, that would have been a lot funnier. If my husband was using the sims to pretend he had no wife, I think I would understand, but at least he didn't make himself a different wife.
But hey, but  having no wife puts him out there! He may be stolen by many other virtual women, sheesh! Feel sorry for the wife! :P


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Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML
All I can say for ^This one is :o
Aw, I like German Sheppard.



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Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2009, 01:23:52 PM »
This site is hilarious! A few of my online buddies told me about it about three weeks ago. These are two of my favorites:

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Today, I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said "Accio." Then I realized I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in real life and in public. FML

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

The poor guy . . . :(
Check out the Letter--->Word Abbreviation thread for some fun!

Examples of my skills:

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A really muscular, super-tough, reliable older nutty guy.

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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #26 on: June 27, 2009, 02:06:59 AM »
What's with Twilight, anyway? ???
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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #27 on: June 28, 2009, 04:09:46 PM »
Edward is a creepy stalker. While perhaps I wouldn't MIND being pursued by Edward himself, anyone who reminded me of him in real life.... EWWWWW@!!!!!!!
This might hurt, it's not safe / But I know that I've gotta make a change / I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something


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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #28 on: June 30, 2009, 03:12:43 PM »
There isn't any problem with Twilight. The problem is with the mindless girls. xD I myself loved that book, the movie too, Edward himself is nice (although Jasper and Carlisle are more like my type ;) ), still I'm waay happy with my own boyfriend. I don't see the point in comparing real men to fictional ones.

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Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML
« Last Edit: June 30, 2009, 03:31:42 PM by Ronnie Silverlake »
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Re: A good place to burn time: fmylife
« Reply #29 on: July 10, 2009, 11:27:46 PM »
I like Twilight, too (the book, just finished it today! Didn't like the movie, though), but stories like that really do encourage some VERY unhealthy relationships. In real life, a guy like Edward would probably be abusive. Girls just want adventure and romance too much sometimes, and aren't able to analyze. I went through a stage like that, too, but I know those stories send some messages that really do harm some girls. It's too bad they're such darn good stories.

And that's hilarious. Hahaha.
This might hurt, it's not safe / But I know that I've gotta make a change / I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something