Poll

What's the biggest reason you attend funerals?

I don't attend funerals.
2 (20%)
I feel I owe it to the deceased.
2 (20%)
I feel I owe it to the deceased's loved ones.
1 (10%)
I get a sense of closure.
4 (40%)
I do it for another reason.
1 (10%)

Total Members Voted: 10

Author Topic: I've given up on funerals. Have you?  (Read 4025 times)

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Abrom

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I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« on: April 24, 2015, 05:21:50 PM »
I've never felt that funerals were a good idea. I don't know why someone would want to subject themselves to looking at a dead body and talking about everything that they'll miss about that person. Has anyone ever attended a funeral where the point of it was to laugh about all the good times you had with the deceased? It's always depressing, and it's never done anything for me. I'm told that I'm supposed to get a sense of closure from it, but that definitely doesn't happen. It seems to me that the opposite occurs, and funerals just spread and lengthen the sorrow. So, sometime after my dad's funeral, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to participate in funerals anymore. It just seems like a needless tradition to me. But, anyway, how do you feel about it? I'm curious to know if there's anyone else out there that shares my view.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2015, 07:42:04 PM by Abrom »
River: *Drops hacky sack*
River: "Can you throw this is as far as where Anya's at?"
John: "I can try."
John: "(Now I'll amaze her with my feat of strength.)"
John: *Throws hacky sack into ocean*
River: *Runs to cliff edge*
John: "River! Stop looking at my awesome throw and get away from that ledge!"
River: *Backs into John and silently sits down*
John: "(...Nailed it.)"

Sun

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2015, 07:01:14 PM »
Short reply: No.

Long reply: Thinking back at the funerals I have attended in the past years ... every time, it was people I had known personally, and some of them had meant something to me. To me, it did mean a kind of closure. Whichever way we had interacted with each other, nothing of that would take place anymore now, at least not in this world. Their funerals were like the last thing I could do for them (yeah, sure, one might now say "that's idiotic, they are no longer able to perceive whatever you do" - that doesn't change it for me), and they were a way of saying goodbye to them for me.
When someone I cared for died, I was kind of alone with my feelings about it. And of course I have to come to grips with it on my own, no-one else can do it for me. The funerals though were occasions to be with other people who might feel similarly. It's nice to know you're not all alone in your grief: It's comforting and thus helps me. Abrom, it sounds like you experience it just the other way round.
Funny, this reminds me of that video where Kan explained his storytelling, where he said a "human story" is one that tells people they are not alone in what they feel ...

By the way, how sad a funeral is really depends of who's attending, and how the funeral is held. The wishes of the deceased may help to make it more than *just* a sad occasion.
I sure do remember this elderly friend who had been a very charismatic and caring person, and when we assembled to remember her, we told stories of what we had experienced with her, some of them funny (like the time when she went to see "Terminator: Salvation" with me and later on said with a smile the movies with Schwarzenegger had been "more charming" - she was a wonderful person). When I went home afterwards, it had been as "good" a time as such an occasion might be, and I was very happy I had gone.
« Last Edit: April 24, 2015, 07:08:03 PM by Sun »

Jesicani

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2015, 04:53:30 PM »
I also dislike attending funerals but living on a small island like Guam means living in a tight community, which also means there's the expectancy to always show up to pay your respects to the family.

If I could, I'd avoid any and all funerals if possible, but unfortunately I don't want to have other people identify me as "the jerk who won't go to funerals".
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Reives

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2015, 06:01:52 PM »
I'm with the view that funeral's generally for the living as a ritual of closure. So if it does the opposite for oneself, then theoretically, to each their own is the most appropriate. Still, it's hard to have it be in a vacuum like that without the societal pressure that comes down to folks tending to assert their own views onto others, potentially finding it disrespectful. *shrug*

Abrom

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2015, 06:14:17 PM »
I'm with the view that funeral's generally for the living as a ritual of closure. So if it does the opposite for oneself, then theoretically, to each their own is the most appropriate. Still, it's hard to have it be in a vacuum like that without the societal pressure that comes down to folks tending to assert their own views onto others, potentially finding it disrespectful. *shrug*
Yeah, I imagine there's people in my area that probably feel that way about me, but no one's really said it to my face yet. My mom fought with me for a little bit on it, but she seems to respect my decision now.

I also dislike attending funerals but living on a small island like Guam means living in a tight community, which also means there's the expectancy to always show up to pay your respects to the family.

If I could, I'd avoid any and all funerals if possible, but unfortunately I don't want to have other people identify me as "the jerk who won't go to funerals".
It sucks that you'll be disliked just because you don't follow the social norm. But, for me, I find that the pride in making my own decisions and following them, it outweighs the negative effects from what others might say about me.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2015, 06:17:57 PM by Abrom »
River: *Drops hacky sack*
River: "Can you throw this is as far as where Anya's at?"
John: "I can try."
John: "(Now I'll amaze her with my feat of strength.)"
John: *Throws hacky sack into ocean*
River: *Runs to cliff edge*
John: "River! Stop looking at my awesome throw and get away from that ledge!"
River: *Backs into John and silently sits down*
John: "(...Nailed it.)"

Eli

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2015, 06:16:32 PM »
I have asked my family and friends to never let anyone take a funeral for me, because I think I don't deserve such a humiliation, and their money can be spent much better. :)

You guys seem to have had the Christian funerals in your minds when you gave your answers.
In Iran the majority of people are Shiite Muslims, and in here there are several memorial services that are mostly held in the house of the deceased, during the first night, 3 days after death, 7 days after death and 40 days after!
There is also the burial rites which people follow the hearse to the graveyard and after the burial the attendees are usually taken to a restaurant by the deceased's close relatives to eat a lunch in honor of him/her.  :-X
The first humiliating part starts here, if there are too many attendees and the relatives of the deceased can't afford the cost to "feed" everyone, they only take the closest relatives and dearest friends to the restaurant.
Then those who are not invited feel insulted, and some feel deceived for not getting the promised free lunch.  :-X
Then there are many who never intended to attend the burial in order to get a free lunch, so they prefer to not to come to the restaurant, but then there is a high risk that the deceased's relatives feel offended because of their absence!
So basically some people are eating a free lunch and the rest are getting pissed at each other.  XD

As I said, there are several services at different dates, but usually for the third day or seventh day after the death, instead of a service at home, people are invited to a mosque.
It does not matter if the deceased had any religious beliefs.
And the mosque administrators put chairs in the mosque and people enter with their shoes, which is very different to the regular prayers in the mosque and it is more like a church, but I don't have any problems with a chair to sit on and no/less foot odor.  :)
I don't know if people are served fruits or pastries in the church, but in mosques, at least in my country, funerals will be graded and judged by some of the attendees based on the amount and the quality of the servings. And some people actually are eating during the funeral.  XD

But the most humiliating part is when someone is hired to force the "mourners" to shed a tear. Such speakers take the microphone and start with totally unrelated "sad" religious events to make people emotional. Then the speaker's last trick is reading from an already written template, like this:
Quote
The deceased was a selfless father/mother. I saw his elder son/daughter and he/she was truly shaken. Who can describe the love between father/mother and daughter/son? Who can describe such a big loss? The deceased was a true religious role model, not missing any of his/her prayers. He/she was a big donor to charities, etc.
Such speakers has never met or has spoken with the deceased, so they basically have no idea about the person they are praising.
And in any funeral I have witnessed, this "competent" speaker makes huge mistakes, as far as mistaking the gender of the deceased, whether he/she had a child or even got married.
It is during this moment that I usually lose it and cover my face with my hands so others can't see that I'm laughing. I'm not laughing because I'm alive or my loved ones are alive and the poor deceased isn't, I laugh at the stupidity of the speaker and absurdity of such funerals.
Then this speaker should read the surname of those who have attended from a list he is given, and not only he will misread the names, there is a big chance of missing some names, and then those attendees may get offended that their presence has not been acknowledged.  :-X
If you think the humiliation ends here, wait until the Microphone is mistakenly still on and the speaker asks the relatives of the deceased to pay him some bonus for his extraordinary service.
Then usually a cleric takes the microphone and says even more unrelated stuff. Some people leave the funeral at this stage.

So in short my issues with this kind of funeral are:
- It is held in a religious fashion, ignoring the beliefs of the deceased.
- It is the most heartless, fake mourning you could ever witness in your whole life.
- It is a huge waste of time and money.
- It is very hard to not laugh while attending them.
- By the end of the day, almost everyone is pissed off for different reasons.
- Even if the cries and sadness are real, what's the point of reminding the relatives of the deceased that they have a reason to feel sad and cry? Don't they have enough reasons already?
« Last Edit: May 01, 2015, 06:25:09 PM by Ali »

TheFlyingMarlin

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2015, 06:34:17 PM »
Cutting off the end of a post's title can really change the mood...
Spoiler: show

Abrom

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2015, 07:02:04 PM »
Cutting off the end of a post's title can really change the mood...
Spoiler: show


Lol, just a couple days ago, I told someone that fun angers me :)

Ali - Thanks for the incite. It's nice to know that funerals suck on the other side of the globe as well.
River: *Drops hacky sack*
River: "Can you throw this is as far as where Anya's at?"
John: "I can try."
John: "(Now I'll amaze her with my feat of strength.)"
John: *Throws hacky sack into ocean*
River: *Runs to cliff edge*
John: "River! Stop looking at my awesome throw and get away from that ledge!"
River: *Backs into John and silently sits down*
John: "(...Nailed it.)"

GingerCorslette

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2015, 11:29:49 AM »
Haha, we have the food-thingy after burials too.  Though the bereaved ones have now become aware that most of the funeral attendees are only really looking forward to the food afterwards.  We're cool with that. :)

When attending wakes, we sometimes have these logbooks where you as a visitor (have to) write your name in.  I never really understood what those are for; they say they bury the logbook along with the corpse which makes it even creepier.

Erenussocrates

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2015, 12:57:38 PM »
I did not go to an awful lot of funerals yet. I guess I could at least do that, but I am against the 6-months basis of visiting the graves, and against the people who try to force me to go with them >__>
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Jesicani

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Re: I've given up on funerals. Have you?
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2015, 07:00:54 AM »
Yeah, I imagine there's people in my area that probably feel that way about me, but no one's really said it to my face yet. My mom fought with me for a little bit on it, but she seems to respect my decision now.

I also dislike attending funerals but living on a small island like Guam means living in a tight community, which also means there's the expectancy to always show up to pay your respects to the family.

If I could, I'd avoid any and all funerals if possible, but unfortunately I don't want to have other people identify me as "the jerk who won't go to funerals".
It sucks that you'll be disliked just because you don't follow the social norm. But, for me, I find that the pride in making my own decisions and following them, it outweighs the negative effects from what others might say about me.

I'd perfectly happy if it was just me alone that would be stigmatized, but my mother would have to deal with it too, being the small community that it is. Any flack a person gets often gets their families caught up in it too over here unfortunately :/
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