Author Topic: I would like your feedback on a 'general' game story  (Read 3613 times)

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Excal

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I would like your feedback on a 'general' game story
« on: March 06, 2013, 09:42:37 AM »
It's a bit long, so I apologize. Not all details have been worked out, this is just a general story I drafted in a few minutes.

Quote
Fantasy RPG

For several generations, a female offering from the royal Sparks family has kept the magical, peaceful nation of Lune from being overrun by the barbaric, stronger nation of Sol, which has an army of troops immune to magic. This year, however, the princess to be sacrificed (Eris Sparks) has gone missing. The end of the year is rapidly approaching, and the Sparks family has gotten desperate. They have released the world's greatest assassin, known only as Near, from prison with the promise of freedom if he is able to find and return Eris before the end of the year. Using blood magic, the Sparks family seals Near's fate if he does not return by the end of the year with Eris.

Near will employ the use of disguises (a game mechanic) to blend in with various surroundings as he gathers evidence from townsfolk in Lune. There are  various outlaw/bandit/cultist hideouts that Near will have to sneak into and investigate during his search for Eris. Near will be able to fight using assassin skills, but his magic will be limited to infused items that are embedded with pre-charged spells, similar to Lune soldiers. Near comes to realize that his actions have also cleansed Lune of many of its criminal inhabitants, possibly an intended side-effect of the mission he was assigned.

Near's travels cause him to uncover Lune history, and eventually he learns of how Sol came to dominate Lune: Sol's militia is immune to the powerful magics of Lune because of the royal offerings. Sol soldiers are given 'vaccines' containing Sparks blood, which they consume, causing them to be immune to the magic used by Lune's soldiers. Near also learns of the monopoly the Sparks' have on magic that keeps them in power, as they are the only 'true' wielders of magic - everyone else has to use magically-infused items that are created by the Sparks.

When Near finally finds Eris hiding in a remote Lune town, he learns that she willingly escaped after hearing the truth from a group of archaeologists who had visited her (and the same ruins Near did) sometime before. Near is surprised to find that these archaeologists possess true magic, which is something the believed only the Sparks family was capable of. While both Eris and Near know that the offering is what keeps Sol immune from magic, Eris informs Near that the Sparks family is actually the mastermind behind the offerings and that everything is part of their scheme. The Sparks family used powerful magic to dominate the royal Sol line in the First War several decades ago, but they allowed Sol to overrun their forces and have them pretend to be the oppressive victors so that the Sparks could look innocent as they maintained their monopoly on magic. The only possessors of true magic are those with full royal blood from the Sparks family and that all magical items originate from the Sparks. Eris tells Near that her father has nearly supreme power through the monopoly on magic and that the 'offerings' is how he gets rid of his daughters, whom are forced to interbreed to keep the bloodline 'pure' before being sent off to Sol as part of the 'offering'.

Eris asks Near to infiltrate Sol and learn how the vaccine is produced so that he can make himself immune to magic (and therefore escape the punishment of death by blood magic at the end of the year). She then teaches Near how to use true magic (which can be cast directly and not through the use of magically-infused items) and orders him to find people within Sol who can be trusted in order to eventually stage an uprising against her father.

Near infiltrates Sol's armed forces as a soldier, performing various tasks and quests to rise through the ranks. Eventually he learns that it is produced through a blood-draining ritual designed to collect every ounce of blood from the Sparks princess, which ensures the maximum number of possible vaccines, but at this time of year there are none left because the 'exchange' is about to take place. He also learns that the Sol royal family knows that Eris is missing and has hired bounty hunters, out of pressure from the Sparks family, to track her down.

Near leaves Sol and returns to find the archaeologists killed and Eris missing. Believing the bounty hungers got to her and realizing that he is not immune to magic and will be killed if they are able to return her, Near tracks the group of bounty hunters down and kills them. However, Near is caught by the Sol guard as he slays the last bounty hunter, and both he and Eris are brought into Sol. Eris is locked away in a hidden chamber while Near is placed in a public jail and his identity as a serial assassin is exposed (he is also stripped of all rank from the Sol army, which was acquired through an alter disguise and name).

After a week in jail, Near is brought before the Sol King. Much to his surprise, the Sol King has listened to the history Eris has told him and has realized that the history passed down through the Sol royal line was a different, fabricated account designed to keep his family (and nation) under the Sparks oppression. He tells Near that he has shared this true history with many in his army and that they are planning an eventual overthrow of the Sparks family. He also tells Near that Eris realizes she has to be sacrificed for the blood-draining ritual in order to ensure that the Sol elite guard become immune to magic and also to ensure Near's survival by the end of the year. The King shares with Near his plan to launch an attack on Lune and begin the Second War, but tells him of the difficulty of breaching the Sparks castle. Knowing Near is a master of deception, he asks Near to infiltrate and assassinate the Sparks bloodline as Sol's forces engage against Lune's. He warns Near that the Sol royal family are both immune to magic (because magic stems from their blood) and masters of wielding true magic. Eris warns the Sol King that Near's magical powers are not yet ready and that his chance of failure is great. Eris tells Near the locations of several ancient ruins in the Forbidden Lands where he can hone his true magic to a level possibly even greater than those of the Sparks family. Near realizes he has until the next offering to visit these ruins and develop his powers, and promises to not make Eris's 'sacrifice' in vain. The Sol King tells Near to return to Sol when Near feels he is ready, and that in this time Sol will secretly prepare for the attack on Lune.

Near visits the Forbidden Lands and learns to fight foes greater than he ever imagined. Here, he visits the ruins (dungeons) and hones his true magic powers.

When Near returns to the mainland, he realizes Sol's war against Lune has already started because the Sol King was afraid that Near had died in the Forbidden Lands. Near learns that the war is being won by Lune due to a blockade on all infused items sales to Sol, which means only Lune is capable of using magic to bolster their troops (even if Sol's forces are immune to magic, the fact that they cannot wield it means they do not have the advantages that stem from the use of magic in battle). Near realizes the Sparks' monopoly on magic was exposed by the Sol King, and that this has only worsened the situation by causing the Sparks to openly oppress their own people through magic domination. The Sol King, upon seeing Near, shares with him the terms of surrender sent by the Sparks family. Near asks the Sol King to not accept and to rally his forces for a final push directly at the Sparks Castle so that Near may infiltrate it. The Sol King reluctantly accepts, knowing that this battle will likely be the last for both him and his troops.

Near infiltrates the damaged Sparks castle and fights through guards to reach the royal chambers. Here, he hunts down the remaining members of the Sparks family one by one until eventually squaring off against the King in a final showdown. After defeating the Sparks King, the King's final words to Near indicate he knew this end would eventually come to him, and the King tells Near of a baby Sparks hidden away in a secret room. He asks Near to raise the child to not be as corrupt as he had become. After the Sparks King dies, a guard enters to report to the king that the Sol forces have been defeated. The guard is surprised to find the Sparks King dead at the hands of Near, and the guard asks Near if the age of oppression is finally over. Near tells the guard yes, and the guard leaves to share the news with others. Near enters the secret chamber and takes the Sparks child before setting fire to the Sparks castle and disappearing with a fake identity.

SinnyVic

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Re: I would like your feedback on a 'general' game story
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2013, 04:38:08 PM »
Critical/Speculative Feedback of Iffy Intricacies

I'm not sure what kind of character you're trying to portray Near as i.e. what is his personality? It is hard to justify or criticize his actions without knowing what he's like.

You also have him labeled as the world's GREATEST assassin (who unfortunately may not be so great since he was imprisoned). So, how was he caught? Does he have any grudge against the Sparks family? Does he go from being an assassin to a pure magic user? It doesn't seem like there's any intention to use any assassination/deception techniques in the final battle since he just brute forces his way through the guards and murders the Sparks family by himself.

If he had any sort of grudge against the Sparks family, I'm not sure what would justify him actually hearing out the king's final words and escaping with the child. The only justification I can come up with is to perhaps use the child's blood to remove the blood curse instead of returning to the Sol king (assuming that the condition for some of Eris's blood was the overthrowing of the Spark tyranny and that the Sol king may betray him).

Another thing I'm confused about is this magic "immunity" you speak of. Does he really need to hone his true magic skills when he could just slit someone's throat? Does the Sparks family have some godly barrier magic, anti-physical magic, or otherworldly perception magic? What kind of magic do they actually have that makes physical attacks negligible or hard to use? Furthermore, why exactly does he actually need to hone his true magic ability to the point where their magic immunity (seems more like magic resistance rather than magic "immunity") is nullified?

I believe that any plot could work if the writer presents enough background knowledge and justifies things accordingly i.e. how the universe works in your world and why A does B and X does Y. I don't know what kind of feedback you want because, like you said, it's a general story. And, it's your story; not ours. Your ideas; not ours.

That being said, is the feedback you want me sharing my opinion on certain occurrences e.g. "oh I totally expected that A did B" or "hey that's not common so that's interesting"? Or do you perhaps want us to suggest our own ideas that could be incorporated into your story?

I'm someone who likes to focus on why things happened and their implications. Intricacies are fascinating to me. =D I like to know why A develops the way he/she has, their past, the reasons behind their actions, their relationships, and enjoy watching a character develop/suffer. But, that's just me being me.

My Various Thoughts as I Read <-- Not to be taken completely seriously (what I was thinking when I wrote the text above).
For several generations, a female offering from the royal Sparks family has kept the magical, peaceful nation of Lune from being overrun by the barbaric, stronger nation of Sol, which has an army of troops immune to magic. This year, however, the princess to be sacrificed (Eris Sparks) has gone missing. The end of the year is rapidly approaching, and the Sparks family has gotten desperate. They have released the world's greatest assassin, known only as Near, from prison with the promise of freedom if he is able to find and return Eris before the end of the year. Using blood magic, the Sparks family seals Near's fate if he does not return by the end of the year with Eris.

Perverted Me: Female offering? Barbaric nation? Yay.
Flabbergasted Me: WTF? MAGIC IMMUNE ARMY? OP GOD MODDING. NERF PLS.

Me: Ok. So there's this assassin dude.
Neutral Evil Me: Ok. He's totally going to be an ***hole because I mean come on, he's an assassin and assassins should have some moral flexibility, right? I mean... come on... he landed in jail for a reason... right?
Lawful Evil Me: Nah, he's doing his assassination job for the money and follows certain edicts.
Lawful Good Me: Nah, he's going to turn over a new leaf and become a good Samaritan.
Neutral Good Me: Nah, he's probably got a good heart but certain circumstances forced him into becoming an assassin. He'll do the right thing when the time comes.
Me: STFU and let the writer tell me about him.

Me: Oh, he's also in jail.
Evil Me: What a P.o.S. assassin. What kind of assassin gets caught? This guy's the best? You're joking, right? There better be a good reason for why he got caught... Nevermind, he's just pathetic.
Good Me: He must be assimilated into the good alignment. He shall change. It is destiny! He must change to move the plot!

Near will employ the use of disguises (a game mechanic) to blend in with various surroundings as he gathers evidence from townsfolk in Lune. There are  various outlaw/bandit/cultist hideouts that Near will have to sneak into and investigate during his search for Eris. Near will be able to fight using assassin skills, but his magic will be limited to infused items that are embedded with pre-charged spells, similar to Lune soldiers. Near comes to realize that his actions have also cleansed Lune of many of its criminal inhabitants, possibly an intended side-effect of the mission he was assigned.

Me: Ok. So he does stuff. Then, he does more stuff. Also, he's looking for this chick.
Good Me: Yay. He will be in some way affected by all the good he is doing in the world!
Perverted Me: Nah, he's totally in it for the girl. He's going to woo her and elope... and stuff.
Neutral Me: Nah, he's just doing it to save his own skin.
Evil Me: Kill the bandits. Steal from everybody. EVERYBODY.

Near's travels cause him to uncover Lune history, and eventually he learns of how Sol came to dominate Lune: Sol's militia is immune to the powerful magics of Lune because of the royal offerings. Sol soldiers are given 'vaccines' containing Sparks blood, which they consume, causing them to be immune to the magic used by Lune's soldiers. Near also learns of the monopoly the Sparks' have on magic that keeps them in power, as they are the only 'true' wielders of magic - everyone else has to use magically-infused items that are created by the Sparks.

Me: The truth is out! Blah! We learn stuff! Yay!
Flabbergasted Me: Who is this assassin dude anyways? Is he some foreigner...? Does he have amnesia? Why do all the overpowered protagonists have amnesia!? AMG.
Evil Me: Oh? You get magic immunity from their blood? Near, my lad, all you have to do is nicely ask for some blood from that Eris gal. HAH. NO. Rape her. Kill her. Have a nice bath in her blood. Problem solved. Be on your way now. (:

When Near finally finds Eris hiding in a remote Lune town, he learns that she willingly escaped after hearing the truth from a group of archaeologists who had visited her (and the same ruins Near did) sometime before. Near is surprised to find that these archaeologists possess true magic, which is something the believed only the Sparks family was capable of. While both Eris and Near know that the offering is what keeps Sol immune from magic, Eris informs Near that the Sparks family is actually the mastermind behind the offerings and that everything is part of their scheme. The Sparks family used powerful magic to dominate the royal Sol line in the First War several decades ago, but they allowed Sol to overrun their forces and have them pretend to be the oppressive victors so that the Sparks could look innocent as they maintained their monopoly on magic. The only possessors of true magic are those with full royal blood from the Sparks family and that all magical items originate from the Sparks. Eris tells Near that her father has nearly supreme power through the monopoly on magic and that the 'offerings' is how he gets rid of his daughters, whom are forced to interbreed to keep the bloodline 'pure' before being sent off to Sol as part of the 'offering'.

Me: Yay, we learn more stuff! We meet the chick!
Perverted Me: They going to hook up or what? Come on man. Sexual tension. SEXUAL. TENSION. UNGH.
Good Me: Near. You got to save this girl! You got to solve her problems for her! Chivalry! CHIVALRY!
Evil Me: Y u no stab Eris? You just need some of her blood. Come on. A little stab. A papercut even! Your cure is right in front of you. Come on! Just do it real suddenly! You scared of a girl?
Flabbergasted Me: Don't do it Near. She going to activate your blood curse and blow you up! Kaboooshhhh!
Evil Me: WHAT KIND OF IDIOT TELLS HER THAT HE'S UNDER THAT BLOOD CURSE?
Flabbergasted Me: What if the blood curse is clearly visible on the body, huh? She can totally feel it bro.
Evil Me: NO. NO EXCUSES. WHAT KIND OF BLOOD CURSE DID THOSE SPARK DUDES CAST ON HIM ANYWAY?
Flabbergasted Me: Idk. How do you even know drinking her raw blood is the vaccine? HMM?


Eris asks Near to infiltrate Sol and learn how the vaccine is produced so that he can make himself immune to magic (and therefore escape the punishment of death by blood magic at the end of the year). She then teaches Near how to use true magic (which can be cast directly and not through the use of magically-infused items) and orders him to find people within Sol who can be trusted in order to eventually stage an uprising against her father.

Me: So, he's sent by the chick to discover what exactly the vaccine is! Oh, he also learns magic!
Good Me: Near... You're going to help out that girl, right?
Flabbergasted: WAIT. WAT? She just magically teaches him magic!? It's that easy!?
Evil Me: Thank goodness. You were a poor excuse of an evil assassin anyways! Now at least you can blow stuff up... Hopefully...

He also tells Near that Eris realizes she has to be sacrificed for the blood-draining ritual in order to ensure that the Sol elite guard become immune to magic and also to ensure Near's survival by the end of the year. The King shares with Near his plan to launch an attack on Lune and begin the Second War, but tells him of the difficulty of breaching the Sparks castle. Knowing Near is a master of deception, he asks Near to infiltrate and assassinate the Sparks bloodline as Sol's forces engage against Lune's. He warns Near that the Sol royal family are both immune to magic (because magic stems from their blood) and masters of wielding true magic. Eris warns the Sol King that Near's magical powers are not yet ready and that his chance of failure is great. Eris tells Near the locations of several ancient ruins in the Forbidden Lands where he can hone his true magic to a level possibly even greater than those of the Sparks family. Near realizes he has until the next offering to visit these ruins and develop his powers, and promises to not make Eris's 'sacrifice' in vain. The Sol King tells Near to return to Sol when Near feels he is ready, and that in this time Sol will secretly prepare for the attack on Lune.

Me: So yeah, he got caught... AGAIN. Oh, and, it's that time in the game where your main character goes around getting stronger. There probably won't be much development in the plot so go kill stuff.
Evil Me: Remember guys. This is the world's greatest assassin here... He'll also be the world's greatest sorcerer by the end of this journey. He'll be the greatest. The best. The. BEST. *sarcasm*
Flabbergasted Me: Man. These Sparks dudes are seriously dumb and/or lazy. On a side note, how is he getting stronger in these ruins? Why does he even need magic? Why doesn't he just stab them in the face or slit their throats using his deception abilities?
Good Me: SAVE THE GIRL YOU FOOL. SAVE HER.

Near visits the Forbidden Lands and learns to fight foes greater than he ever imagined. Here, he visits the ruins (dungeons) and hones his true magic powers.

Me: Yup. Killing stuff. Move on. Nothing to see here. We're all familiar with this part... It's in some of those drawn-out RPGs we play. It's an okay part, I guess?

When Near returns to the mainland, he realizes Sol's war against Lune has already started because the Sol King was afraid that Near had died in the Forbidden Lands. Near learns that the war is being won by Lune due to a blockade on all infused items sales to Sol, which means only Lune is capable of using magic to bolster their troops (even if Sol's forces are immune to magic, the fact that they cannot wield it means they do not have the advantages that stem from the use of magic in battle). Near realizes the Sparks' monopoly on magic was exposed by the Sol King, and that this has only worsened the situation by causing the Sparks to openly oppress their own people through magic domination. The Sol King, upon seeing Near, shares with him the terms of surrender sent by the Sparks family. Near asks the Sol King to not accept and to rally his forces for a final push directly at the Sparks Castle so that Near may infiltrate it. The Sol King reluctantly accepts, knowing that this battle will likely be the last for both him and his troops.

Me: So. Stuff got worse. Yeah.
Flabbergasted Me: THESE PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB. ARRRGHHH. Oh well, can't blame them. After all, it is to move the plot!

Near infiltrates the damaged Sparks castle and fights through guards to reach the royal chambers. Here, he hunts down the remaining members of the Sparks family one by one until eventually squaring off against the King in a final showdown. After defeating the Sparks King, the King's final words to Near indicate he knew this end would eventually come to him, and the King tells Near of a baby Sparks hidden away in a secret room. He asks Near to raise the child to not be as corrupt as he had become. After the Sparks King dies, a guard enters to report to the king that the Sol forces have been defeated. The guard is surprised to find the Sparks King dead at the hands of Near, and the guard asks Near if the age of oppression is finally over. Near tells the guard yes, and the guard leaves to share the news with others. Near enters the secret chamber and takes the Sparks child before setting fire to the Sparks castle and disappearing with a fake identity.

Me: He kills them Sparks dudes. Kabooosssshhh.
Evil Me: You at least blew them up with magic. You're even more of a disgrace as an assassin though.
Flabbergasted Me: YOU FOOL. THE RPG MUST HAVE A FINAL SHOWDOWN OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. IT IS HIGHLY ENTERTAINING AND DRAMATIC. TORGUE. EXPLOSIONS!
Perverted Me: Lonely~, Near's so lonely~. He got no Eris~.
Good Me: What a kind-hearted assassin/mage! You better respect a man's last words. You better raise that kid into a good person!
Evil Me: No. You Sol people are dumb as ****. You're supposed to kill Near after he carried out his mission. Like in Hamlet or something man. Come on. COME ON.
Flabbergasted Me: So um... Is he cured now? =O
« Last Edit: March 06, 2013, 09:25:35 PM by Cryptophasia »

Excal

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Re: I would like your feedback on a 'general' game story
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2013, 08:26:41 PM »
I'm not sure what kind of character you're trying to portray Near as i.e. what is his personality? It is hard to justify or criticize his actions without knowing what he's like.

This is something I haven't fully decided yet. My original intention is to make him a heartless killer who eventually learns that he could change the world.

You also have him labeled as the world's GREATEST assassin (who unfortunately may not be so great since he was imprisoned). So, how was he caught? Does he have any grudge against the Sparks family? Does he go from being an assassin to a pure magic user?

Perhaps I should start the game off with him performing an assassination and then getting captured when he returns to pick up the bounty. The scene would then shift to where he is forced with the decision of immediate death or death after one year if he fails to bring back Eris.

It doesn't seem like there's any intention to use any assassination/deception techniques in the final battle since he just brute forces his way through the guards and murders the Sparks family by himself.

I should probably change this so that he is forced to sneak into the castle and kill the Sparks family secretly. However, since his only disguise would be that of a Lune army soldier that he picks up along the way to the castle, he is unable to maintain his disguise in the royal chambers to sneak past the personal bodyguards. He is forced to fight them, and after the fight they are so badly damaged that their outfits cannot be used as a disguise.  However, Near's army disguise allows him to create confusion in the royal chamber, allowing him to kill the majority of the royal family except the King. Upon entering the King's chamber, the King realizes who he is and they fight a final battle.

If he had any sort of grudge against the Sparks family, I'm not sure what would justify him actually hearing out the king's final words and escaping with the child. The only justification I can come up with is to perhaps use the child's blood to remove the blood curse instead of returning to the Sol king (assuming that the condition for some of Eris's blood was the overthrowing of the Spark tyranny and that the Sol king may betray him).

My intention was that Near's grudge against the Sparks family is drastically lessened after talking with Eris. Near at first has a grudge against the Sparks but later learns more about their family history and discovers that not all of them are corrupt, mainly just the King and the current royal line (excepting Eris).

Another thing I'm confused about is this magic "immunity" you speak of. Does he really need to hone his true magic skills when he could just slit someone's throat? Does the Sparks family have some godly barrier magic, anti-physical magic, or otherworldly perception magic? What kind of magic do they actually have that makes physical attacks negligible or hard to use? Furthermore, why exactly does he actually need to hone his true magic ability to the point where their magic immunity (seems more like magic resistance rather than magic "immunity") is nullified?

Not being a master of magic and having magic immunity is not the same as being able to wield great magic but also be immune to it. People might wonder how battles are going to work if the player party will always consist of one person (seems kind of dull not to get more members). I intended for summoning magic to be present in the game, which allows Near to create temporary allies in battle. These summoned creatures have physical attacks like any real creatures do, and this is important because Near alone cannot take on many enemies by himself. Thus, if Near is unable to slit someone's throat and is caught and forced to fight normally, he will likely lose if summoning magic is used against him and he is forced to take on a small army of creatures. I could use more help in this area if you think more could be added here to support this.

That being said, is the feedback you want me sharing my opinion on certain occurrences e.g. "oh I totally expected that A did B" or "hey that's not common so that's interesting"? Or do you perhaps want us to suggest our own ideas into your story? I'm someone who likes to focus on why things happened and their implications. Intricacies are fascinating to me. =D But, that's just me being me.

Either works :D

Excal

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Re: I would like your feedback on a 'general' game story
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2013, 05:13:31 PM »
I have updated the story based on your feedback. Let me know what you think of the new version:

Quote
True Magic

For several generations, a female offering from the royal Sparks family has kept the magical, peaceful nation of Lune from being overrun by the barbaric, stronger nation of Sol, which has an army of troops immune to magic. This year, however, the princess to be sacrificed (Eris Sparks) has gone missing. The end of the year is rapidly approaching, and the Sparks family has gotten desperate.

The game opens with the world's most renowned assassin, known only as Near, completing a contract. However, upon his return, he realizes he has been set up by the Sparks and is captured. The Sparks offer him a choice: die immediately as punishment for several accounts of murder, or find Eris and return her in exchange for his freedom. Near chooses the latter, believing he is completely capable of tracking her down using his expert techniques. Before he is set off, the Sparks family seals Near's fate using blood magic that will kill him if he fails to return by the end of the year with Eris.

Near will employ the use of disguises to blend in with various surroundings as he gathers evidence from townsfolk in Lune. There are various outlaw/bandit/cultist hideouts that Near will have to sneak into and investigate during his search for Eris. Near will be able to fight using assassin skills in real-time, as well as employ stealth (cloak) skills in combat to subdue his foes. Near's use of magic will be limited to infused items that are embedded with pre-charged spells because he is not a true magic user (in fact, he doesn't know anyone outside of the Sparks who is rumored to possess true magic). Near comes to realize that his actions have also cleansed Lune of many of its criminal inhabitants, possibly an intended side-effect of the mission he was assigned.

Near's travels cause him to uncover Lune history, and eventually he learns of how Sol came to dominate Lune: Sol's militia is immune to the powerful magics of Lune because of the royal offerings. Sol soldiers are given 'vaccines' containing Sparks blood, which they consume, causing them to be immune to the magic used by Lune's soldiers. Near also learns of the monopoly the Sparks' have on magic that keeps them in power, as they are the only 'true' wielders of magic - everyone else has to use magically-infused items that are created by the Sparks.

When Near finally finds Eris hiding in a remote Lune town, he learns that she willingly escaped after hearing the truth from a group of archaeologists who had visited her (and some number of same ancient ruins that Near did) years before. While both Eris and Near know that the offering is what keeps Sol immune from magic, Eris informs Near that the Sparks family is actually the mastermind behind the offerings and that everything is part of their scheme. The Sparks family used powerful magic to dominate the royal Sol line in the First War several decades ago, but they allowed Sol to overrun their forces and have them pretend to be the oppressive victors so that the Sparks could look innocent as they maintained their monopoly on magic. Eris tells Near that the Sparks maintain dominance over the Sol royal family through the use of blood magic, and that the offerings are their 'antidote'. She tells Near that her father has nearly supreme power through the monopoly on magic and that the 'offerings' is how he gets rid of his daughters, whom are forced to interbreed to keep the bloodline 'pure' before being sent off to Sol as part of the 'offering'. She also explains that the only possessors of true magic are those with full royal blood from the Sparks family and that all magical items originate from the Sparks.

Eris asks Near to infiltrate Sol and learn how the vaccine is produced so that he can make himself immune to magic (and therefore escape his death at the end of the year). She then teaches Near how to use true magic (which can be cast directly and not through the use of magically-infused items) and orders him to find people within Sol who can be trusted in order to eventually stage an uprising against her father.

Near infiltrates Sol's armed forces as a soldier, performing various tasks and quests to rise through the ranks. Eventually he learns that it is produced through a blood-draining ritual designed to collect every ounce of blood from the Sparks princess, which ensures the maximum number of possible vaccines, but at this time of year there are none left because the 'exchange' is about to take place. He also learns that the Sol royal family knows that Eris is missing and has hired bounty hunters, out of pressure from the Sparks family, to track her down.

Near leaves Sol and returns to find the archaeologists killed and Eris missing. Believing the bounty hungers got to her and realizing that he is not immune to magic and will be killed if they are able to return her, Near tracks the group of bounty hunters down and kills them. However, Near is caught by the Sol guard as he slays the last bounty hunter, and both he and Eris are brought into Sol. Eris is locked away in a hidden chamber while Near is placed in a public jail and his identity as a serial assassin is exposed (he is also stripped of all rank from the Sol army, which was acquired through an alter disguise and name).

After a week in jail, Near is brought before the Sol King. Much to his surprise, the Sol King has listened to the history Eris has told him and has realized that the history passed down through the Sol royal line was a different, fabricated account designed to keep his family (and nation) under the Sparks oppression. He tells Near that he has shared this true history with many in his army and that they are planning an eventual overthrow of the Sparks family. He also tells Near that Eris realizes she has to be sacrificed for the blood-draining ritual in order to ensure that the Sol soldiers and royal family become immune to magic and also to ensure Near's survival by the end of the year. The King shares with Near his plan to launch an attack on Lune and begin the Second War, but tells him of the difficulty of breaching the Sparks castle because it is protected by magical defenses. Eris tells Near that there are several scholars within Lune who possess various tomes that would teach Near how to destroy the magical barriers protecting the Sparks castle, and she marks the locations of these scholars on his map. The Sol King tells Near to return to Sol when Near feels he is ready, and that in this time Sol will secretly prepare for the attack on Lune. Near bids his farewell to Eris and the people of Sol, but before he leaves, Eris asks him his real name, which he reluctantly tells her.

Near visits the Lune scholars and performs various dangerous tasks to gain their trust and read the tomes. After acquiring the powers needed to breach the Sparks Castle, he returns to the Sol mainland.

When Near returns to Sol, he learns that the Sol King who was planning the revolution has been assassinated. Near believes the Sparks family had become aware of the potential revolt and put the king down by hiring another private assassin. However, while in Sol, several of the Sol Elite Guard recognize Near and are willing to carry out the original plan of taking out the Sparks, despite their low numbers. Near reluctantly agrees to this plan, realizing there is not much support he will be able to acquire to carry out Eris's wish.

Near infiltrates the outskirts of the Sparks castle and uses true magic to destroy the magical barriers sealing the throne room. Through disguises he has acquired for the Sol Elite Guard, they are able to sneak through Lune and launch a surprise assault within the castle. While the Sol Elites are fighting the Lune Royal Guard, Near utilizes this opportunity to sneak into the throne room and face the Sparks King. The two duel in a very close match, with the Sparks King demonstrating a powerful mastery over magic that Near has never seen before. Eventually, Near is victorious but badly weakened. In addition, he realizes that the Sol Elites have mostly fallen, and Near plans to use the last remaining strength he has to set the castle ablaze through the use of true magic and die knowing he has achieved redemption for his life as an assassin.
However, as he sets the castle on fire, he hears a baby crying in a secret chamber, and this sparks curiosity within him. He discovers the secret chamber and finds a baby that looks strikingly similar to Eris. Believing it to be Eris's child, he finds a sudden resolve to live and carries the baby out of the castle before the flames bring it down.

SinnyVic

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Re: I would like your feedback on a 'general' game story
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2013, 01:50:21 AM »
Mmm! I think it's fabulous! But, it can always improve and be refined! =D

I'm no professional storyboard designer or writer, so my input is pretty raw, miniscule, and biased (also, I'm just one person). That being said, I would wholeheartedly encourage you to introduce yourself in the appropriate section of the forums! I'm sure you could get some of the nice folks here to also give some feedback! *(^o^)*

Elke

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Re: I would like your feedback on a 'general' game story
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2014, 11:32:01 PM »
Hiya! I was wondering if you're still looking for feedback (sounds like you have a pretty good start on the story so far :D)
-Elke-